The people that hurt you the most are usually those closest to you. Its been this way forever. I've lost so many friends and family members over bullshit that has transpired in the past. Some of it was my fault, others theirs. What I hate is being told one thing when a person,s actions clearly dictate something else.
This happened recently with a so-called friend of mine that I've known for a few years. We've dated and I wanted more. She feigns interest in me and expresses wanting the same thing, yet she has constantly thrown roadblocks in the way of it happening.
We've gone back and forth for the last few weeks, arguing and fighting over differences and what we both want. The problem with this is, why would I want someone that doesn't want me? I was prepared to devote myself to this woman. I wanted her to be a part of my life. I really could see a future and a family with her and, unlike what I've done in the past, I expressed and communicated this to her throughout the later part of our friendship.
She wants to preserve the friendship by not going further. Just tell me you're friend zoning me. Don't fucking placate me by dressing it up. She's scared to take a chance on the greatness that could be because she's content with the mediocre friendship we currently have. She asked could we be friends if the relationship doesn't work out out,? How can I answer that? It has happened in the past. However, who is to say the friendship will be the same now that I've been rejected. And make no mistake about it, it is rejection, no matter how much she tried to sugar coat it.
Side bar, I hate when people do that. Don't tell me how great a guy I am, what I've got going for me and how perfect a couple we could be only to reject me. That doesn't make me feel any better.
Back on topic. Our friendship, if you still want to call it that, will never be the same. I told her what would happen. I would grow to resent her. How can I be friends with someone I have strong feelings for? It'll never be the same. I'm resenting her now. The more I think about all that has transpired in recent weeks, the angrier I get. I'm angry at myself for have feelings for her. I'm angry at myself for expressing how I felt. I cared about her and her family.
Why should I care about someone I no longer have any stake in?
How can I?
Again, its all about the bullshit. I hate being lied to, especially when I'm being honest and genuine. Don't say one thing and do another behind the scenes; insulting my intelligence.
Why can't I be happy? Why do I have to sacrifice my wants and needs for others? I deserve better.
I'm tired of letting people get close to me only to hurt or betray me. And to think, all of this could've been avoided if she had let me walk away weeks ago. But, she dragged me back into her life, promising more only to change up on me. I told her I was done with the games and done trying, "fuck everything." She told me I can't say fuck everything to someone I'm interested in.
Hypocrisy must be the flavor of the month.